life begins now

I hate waiting; patience is not my forte.  But I feel like I’ve been waiting my whole life for life to begin.  It’s as though I’ve been holding my breath, awaiting that moment when everything will fall into place and I know this is where I’m supposed to be.  Before that happens though I have to get certain things straightened out: I can’t have any grudges against anyone, I have to know what my career is going to be, finish school, get married, have children and be a successful adult.  But I’ve been realizing more and more that life begins now.  What I’m waiting for is never going to happen.  There will never be a perfect moment when life makes absolute sense and everything is truly right with the world.  No satisfaction would come from gaining that either.  Life is messy.  I’ve been broken, my heart shattered.  I am a flawed mirror attempting to accept and reflect God’s grace and love.  I do and will continue to fail.  My hope is not in myself but in the One who created me, the One who can take my brokenness and make it His beauty. 

All these thoughts are inspired by words I’ve heard this week.  One thought that sticks out to me from Sunday morning service is this: "What if your brokenness was never about you?  What if God is using it to reach out to someone else?"  And it’s so true; so often I look at my "suffering" in the context of me.  How is it hurting me?  How is it affecting me and the way I interact with others?  But I need to take my focus off myself and look at the broader picture.  How can my pain help someone else who is struggling?  How can I use this crutch to help someone else walk?

So to bring it back to my first thought.  I want to live now, to keep in mind that this is my life and I can’t keep waiting for it to begin.  Life beings now.

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grades

Just found out my official final grades:

A – Child Development

A – Child, Family & Community

B – Elementary Probability and Statistics

A – Developmental Psychology

Stupid B.  Oh well, now I’m done with math forever.  I’m so excited that from now on most of the classes I’m taking will focus on my major.  Graduation is a day closer.  w00t.

recap

I had started writing this post yesterday morning but then Firefox decided to be stupid and freeze and I lost the whole thing.  Anyway, Tuesday afternoon I got back from spending the weekend with Steph.  We had an amazing time and I’m so thankful I got to be with her before she spends 6 weeks in Africa.  Matt was supposed to join us but complications arose at the last minute and he was unable to come.  Sad day.

Day 1 (Friday)

It began at 4 in the morning when I had to wake up for my 6 o’clock flight.  Dad drove me and pretty much kicked me off at the curb (and I was too tired to function, let alone be bothered by that).  Thanks to carry on I was checked in and in line for security within 5 minutes.  After they made me throw away my lotion and shaving cream, I made my way to the gate and was on my way in no time.  The flight was smooth and I even made it to San Diego a little ahead of schedule.

Steph met me at the curb and we headed over to a Japanese market only to find out that it didn’t open for another hour.  We headed back downtown intending on parking and walking along the water to admire all the pretty ships docked there.  Unfortunately we couldn’t find any free parking so we ended up just driving around until the market opened.  We grabbed a lot of Japanese chewy candies and by the time we arrived at the house it was still too early to eat lunch.

We wanted to have Japanese curry and rice so we went to the store and got all the ingredients needed.  After chopping all the vegetables and cooking the meat, we began to prepare the rice.  Unfortunately on the back burner was a styrofoam container with tortilla chips and a piece of paper hanging out.  When Steph lit the front burner, it caught the paper on fire which spread to the styrofoam.  We tried to put the flame out by blowing and dumping water on it.  Eventually we put it out but it left quite a sight.  Never a dull moment…

The rest of the day was spent just lounging around and hanging out.  Good times.

Day 2 (Saturday)

Finally being able to sleep a full night after about a month of restless nights was heaven. And I didn’t get up until 11.  We had lunch eventually and then headed to the beach with her sister Melissa and Melissa’s friend.  Having decided not to enter the water, the four of us laid on the beach and I myself dozed a bit, the weather was perfect and just lying there was very peaceful.  It was another day of just hanging around.

Day 3 (Sunday…yeah, I know)

Six Flags Magic Mountain.  Boo yah.  Goliath, Scream, Batman, Riddler’s Revenge, Viper.  Oh I love roller coasters.  And pizza.  We had pizza for dinner that night and it was delicious.

Day 4 (Monday)

Since we didn’t have transportation at our disposal, we were dropped off at the new train station and reminded what it was like to live in Japan.  It was a really nice ride and when we got off we had to do a bit of exploring to get to the beach.  We ended up going over train tracks (heh) because construction was being done on the trail we were taking.  When we reached the shore, we realized that the pier was down the beach a ways and that’s where we wanted to be since we were hungry and the area we were in was residential.  We arrived at the pier ready for food but decided against the expensive diner in favor of McDonald’s where we could enjoy the outdoors.  We probably only spent half an hour laying in the sun but it was again relaxing and I found myself dozing off.

After we got back to Steph’s, one of her church friends came to pick us up for college group.  It was an amazing time of fellowship and digging into The Word.  I’m really thankful we were able to go and I loved the dynamics of their group; it made me anxious to get involved in such a group in my area.  After the official meeting ended, we stayed and chatted with people, finally leaving around 9:45.

Day 5 (Tuesday)

Leaving day.  My flight was scheduled to take off at 11:30 but wasn’t able to until about noon due to weather conditions in San Francisco.  I finally made it back home at 2, an hour later than was originally scheduled.  I was very sad to leave Steph and San Diego but I’m so glad we were able to spend quality time together.  Hopefully we’ll continue to have annual get togethers and I’m hoping next time Matt will be able to join us.  Nothing bonds people like living in a foreign country together.  I’ve been truly blessed by their friendship.

blessed

It’s been a crazy year.  Cuh-razy.  But God is good (duh) and I am incredibly blessed. 

-I have a wonderful support group between my family and friends

-I’ll be going to an awesome college in a beautiful area, in the state that I love

-I’ll be living in a house (no apartments for me!) and be completely out of my element since I haven’t met either of my roommates

-I’ll be taking classes that actually pertain to what I want to do with my life, work with children

-I am engaged to the Love of my life and even though it feels like forever until we’re together as man and wife, time will fly and that day will be here before I know it

-I am being stretched in incredible ways and have been growing like crazy as a result

My mind has been consumed with thoughts of this next step in my journey.  I am so excited about going somewhere new, and not having a car, and being dependent on myself for food and other necessities.  Growing up is exhilarating.