life begins now

I hate waiting; patience is not my forte.  But I feel like I’ve been waiting my whole life for life to begin.  It’s as though I’ve been holding my breath, awaiting that moment when everything will fall into place and I know this is where I’m supposed to be.  Before that happens though I have to get certain things straightened out: I can’t have any grudges against anyone, I have to know what my career is going to be, finish school, get married, have children and be a successful adult.  But I’ve been realizing more and more that life begins now.  What I’m waiting for is never going to happen.  There will never be a perfect moment when life makes absolute sense and everything is truly right with the world.  No satisfaction would come from gaining that either.  Life is messy.  I’ve been broken, my heart shattered.  I am a flawed mirror attempting to accept and reflect God’s grace and love.  I do and will continue to fail.  My hope is not in myself but in the One who created me, the One who can take my brokenness and make it His beauty. 

All these thoughts are inspired by words I’ve heard this week.  One thought that sticks out to me from Sunday morning service is this: "What if your brokenness was never about you?  What if God is using it to reach out to someone else?"  And it’s so true; so often I look at my "suffering" in the context of me.  How is it hurting me?  How is it affecting me and the way I interact with others?  But I need to take my focus off myself and look at the broader picture.  How can my pain help someone else who is struggling?  How can I use this crutch to help someone else walk?

So to bring it back to my first thought.  I want to live now, to keep in mind that this is my life and I can’t keep waiting for it to begin.  Life beings now.

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