Life. Is just so interesting. To move from happiness to complete sorrow is a strange thing. I’m not in that place right now but I have been before, it is not unfamiliar to me. Right now, life is good. Work has been insane and extremely frustrating at times but overall it’s been a great thing. I’ve stretched and grown so much from the three months I’ve been here. Just yesterday I had a sweet old lady tell me that I’m doing a great job and that I could make anyone feel better. I’ve talked to a lot of interesting people, seen lots of sadness and pain (both physical and emotional, I’m not sure which is harder). One man told me to cherish the moments Jason and I share together, to make sure and have lots of quality time with him, just the two of us. He had recently lost his wife and said those were the moments he looked back on with fondness. It is so frustrating to work with people, so rewarding and so painful. It’s so complicated and so simple. I’m so thankful for the growing that’s been happening within me. I miss my old job, the one where (as Jason likes to put it) I "played with kids all day." Some may have not considered that a real job, but to those who are parents, they understand that hanging out with kids all day is exhausting and it is a full-time job. I miss the carefreeness of the kids, of being able to play and create relationships with all of those precious ones. I recently looked at the pictures I’ve taken over the years while on the job. My heart ached to see those smiling faces and to remember the times we shared. I long to go back to that place. But I understand that’s not where I’m meant to be right now. I doubt I’ll ever find a place quite like it, but I’ll cherish those moments we had, like that man told me.
Also, I hope to never be calloused to the pain and suffering and humanity of those who walk through the hospital doors. It’s easy to get caught up in the irritating qualities of patients or their family members, but I have to remember they are like me, flawed, human, and hurting. They have passions, loves and, heartache. I just need to keep that in the forefront of my mind.
(To whoever read this: thanks for putting up with my half-awake rant, I just wanted to write and this is what happened.)